I had a few disturbing dreams over the week that just made me wake up in tears or a strong fear. Even as I think about them I either get this fear or saddness building up inside of me again.
So Tuesday at school started off pretty nice, I was happy. I was hyper and overly energetic, and the people around me couldn't help but to get happy when I was near and that made me feel even more happier. It's strange, I was told before that whenever I'm gone that it's not the same, and whenever I walk into a room it seems like I light it up when I'm happy, or shift people's emotions at my will and to my own. As cool as I'd like to think that is, but it's a bit strange, ne? I don't think I do, I try not to. I'm just like anyone else who would walk into a room, right?
Anyway.
Lunch was when I felt like I had tripped over a rock and fell smack-dab into a wall.
It seems people think my pain is funny. And I do too because I always get hurt in the weirdest ways.
But lately they think inflicting pain on me is even better, which is severely pissing me off. I don't mean just a twitch here and a random scream of "Will you just fucking STOP!?" (It means a lot lately whenever I swear. Trust me.) I mean like a wanting-to-just-turn-and-kick-or-really-hurt-the-person-doing-the-damage along with the twitches. It's a really, really strong anger that gets to me whenever this happens. I don't usually get this angry.
So Sara and I were going back to our seat outside and I had a glass of Starbucks' Coffee-thing.. I forget what it's called but it's good. It's cold, refridgerated at the Student Food Store, and it comes in flavors like Mocha and Vanilla. It's something that if you first have it, it's a bit bittersweet.. but when you start having one everyday it tastes a little bit better. (Although Sprite will always be my obsession.)
Anyway, yes. Sara and I were going back to our place outside and because I had a coffee and she wanted it, I was running. Okay, understandable, right? Then she catches up and pushes me just as I try to jump to out seats. I stumble forward, fall on my bad knee into the dirt (It's a huge potted Palm Tree and the place that holds the dirt and tree in is a place that you can sit. It's made of concrete.), twist it, hit my foot on where we usually sit down at (The concrete.) and almost go face-first into this sick spit-looking chocolate thing with caramel and ants everywhere.
It's not funny. I really hurt myself. And there was Sara. Laughing.
If I didn't treasure my coffee so much, I would have thrown the glass contents at her and wish it shattered on the ground infront of her or on her.
So I didn't yell at her, I wasn't in the mood. I just didn't want to yell. I hate being yelled at, so I try not to yell at people until they annoy or get me mad. Understandable x2.
So
Sara saw this, took my arm and said she'd walk me around and for me to keep my eyes closed.
I don't know. I didn't trust her at first, but I did it anyway cautiously.
She led me first up the stairs, trying to get me to trip. I tried to pull away but she insisted she wouldn't do it again. So she led me back down the stairs, no problems there.
Some teachers had their doors open while a class was going on and Sara tried to get me to run into the doors.
So I finally just pulled away from her and told her to stop in this low voice. She eventually did and that was that.
But yes. I don't know if it's just me, or if I really should be pissed at her for doing that.
( She also tried to hurt me on Wednesday with a softball and hit me in the face or the head with the ball~ I'm glad I can catch things pretty well and she throws pretty sucky. )
Lunch ended finally, Thank God. I went to Orchestra and that also was a pretty pissy class.
The teacher says our concert is on May 15th. But she doesn't say a time. She doesn't mention that she doesn't know when the time is. Then she asks for questions. I guess I was the only one who rose my hand to ask a time. And I regret it now.
I asked, yes I did, I asked, "What time is the concert?" No tone in my voice, no snapping, just like any other kid asking a question politely. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't do anything. So this is why I don't understand why the teacher had to snap at me in a loud voice so everyone could hear:
"I'm not answering a question like THAT! Maybe YOU'RE a psychic, so why don't YOU figure it OUT!?"
Then she ranted about something or other about stupid questions to the class and me, then
Explain that to me. Someone, please.
The rest of the period I felt like crying. My tears actually did water up to cry but I kept wiping the tears away. I couldn't wait for 2:01 for the bell to ring.
And when it did, I ran to mom's car and told her and Gramma about my whole bad day thing.
They were oddly quiet, I didn't know why at the time. I thought I was in trouble.
When I noticed we were going to Wal-Mart, I asked why and they said they threw away something very precious to me and were going to get a new one.
That through me over the edge. I fell oddly silent and very cold to anyone who tried to be nice.
How could they throw something away that they -know- was so important to me and -think- they can just _buy_ a new one and expect everything to be happy again? They did it -behind- my back while I was at school, which made me even angrier.
Grudgingly I picked out something and have been neglecting it ever since.
When we got home I went into my room and shut the door, sat on my bed and started to cry. I just had to. The day started off with promises of fun only to shatter completely and turn into a horrible day.
Mom walked in and I didn't want to talk to her. The door was shut, couldn't she see? Doesn't she know to knock first? And if she had to ask to come in, I would have said no and predictably she'd probably come in anyway.
I hid my tears and went into the bathroom in the hall, shut and locked the door this time and laid in the tub for about an hour until mom screamed at me to get out. I couldn't take it so I opened the door and she had asked if I was hurting myself in any way while I was in the bathroom.
Good idea, Ma', but no. I did, however, light some type of liquid on fire in the sink to watch a blue flame disappear slowly, but I didn't tell her that.
The night turned out to be moderate and I went to bed early to wake up to possibly a better day.
Wednesday was alright. Just a normal day.
Today was another ride of up's and down's. Again I wanted to burst into tears, wail loudly and draw attention to myself. I didn't want to act like a child, so I didn't. I just cried a few times silently when no one saw. I guess no one really noticed how sad I was or quiet.
No one really does except the person that had said that I could bend other people's emotions. Hnh.. amazingly this person who had said that was my Grandma. It was extremely nice of her to say that.
So yes. That was my past three days.
I just hope that this new month ends quickly and I'm my normal peppy with my other emotions masked self.
Ja~.
~Owari~